It has just been 2 years back that I found myself having to endure the hurt and pain from the harshness of life. It was unbelievably, undeniably painful but I have to endure it. I have to stay put and face reality. I have to stop myself from causing more pain and then run away from it. Because I knew, I can never really run away from the hurt; it will eventually catch up with me or it will continue to lurk in my innermost being and destroy me from within. I have to face it, to endure it, accept it, learn from it, and tame it. I knew I do have the choice to take the seemingly easy way out – to run away from it all, but I didn’t – I couldn’t. I’ve read about it, watched it in a favorite tv series or movie, listened to a story about a friend of friend of a friend – mistakes made in lieu of another mistake. I didn’t want that so I stayed with my family. After that months of fiasco, thank God!, He blessed me with months of overwhelming happiness and contentment outside my home.

Then it came back in another form. It was like someone pulled the happiness and contentment rug from my sure-footed stance.

During the first few months, I felt so betrayed. Didn’t I handled that situation fairly well just a year and few months back? Didn’t I just got out of those disorienting months? Couldn’t God just give me this one sure source of happiness to me? Did I got too much happiness from those months that it had to stop? Didn’t I just endured such pain that I’ve yet again to experience a more unthinkable kind of pain I’ve ever had to go through?

I’m still treading this very bleak path. I’m not sure of how my ability to heal compares with other people but so far, no one really answered “just a few months of healing.” I myself went through a whole 2 years of forgetting my puppy love considering it was only a few months that I had to forget. Thankfully, I only went through a week of depression. Oh! Come to think of it. I thought I would never need a closure with him; I only got it after 10 years. hahaha 10 years! At least I didn’t dwell on the thought of him because I had someone during that decade of non-closure. And, it is the same amount of years that I’m now trying to move on from. Saklap!

There are days when I successfully push the thought of my almost decade long relationship out of my mind but when the thought comes lurking around again. Boom! The same pain from day one unfolds.

Sometimes, I think to myself, all my effort to stay true, to stay smart, to endure, to stay strong may be utterly pointless. If I give in to the weakness and act a fool, maybe God would finally decide that He has been putting a lot of strain on my ability to endure this magnitude of pain (woah! magnitude daw o! hehe).

Hayy… So here I am, still enduring every bit of pain one day at a time. I keep hold of my mantra: tomorrow will be the first of the better days. Tomorrow will be the first of the best days.